We had a sex problem on our wedding night, and for the next 16 months after that
a worldly perspective (“my sexuality.”) I’d never thought of it in quite those terms before. I have believed for a long time that any problem *in* the bedroom has a root cause *outside* the bedroom. What a difference it would make if we were all more communicative, compassionate and compromising with our spouses…in every area of marriage!
Disagree. How do I know? The problem? We didn’t have sex – not try and fail, not not doing it well. Not even trying AT ALL. Reason given: “Its just not who I am, and its just not that important” was the reason given to me. Despite the fact that we went thru premarital before marriage that covered exactly how important it was. There wasn’t even a -chance- to have a problem outside the bedroom yet! In our case, the problem in the bedroom has caused tons of problems outside the bedroom.
I agree with you. Incompatibility can be what is tinder used as excuses that we ought to work through in the ways that you laid out. Thanks hosting the linkup today.
Interesting post. You do bring up some great arguments. The problem is that as a whole I agree with you, and other Christian author’s I’ve read on the subject. However my husband does not. He loves me, is faithful and won’t leave me. But he does believe we are on “different sheets of music”. If that is what he believes, and is willing to accept, then denying it isn’t true, just doesn’t solve the problem. I was a virgin when we got married (as a matter of fact at the ripe old age of 25 he was my first kiss), he was not. So, obviously he knows something here that I do not. I love you advice, and that of other great Christians I’ve heard and read over the years, but 9 years later the problems have not gone away. Perhaps we are incompatible, but I am trying to better things. While I’ve not read that other article you mention, my thought is that in a way Christians do make too big of a deal about it. My entire life in church and youth groups I heard “Wait till marriage. Sex will be great.” Well its not, its a lot of work, and more frustration than pleasure. I don’t feel like my having been a virgin gave our marriage any advantage. So, while I do agree that we need to work our way through it, I don’t agree that sexual incompatibility just isn’t real. We need to stop lying to the young people in our churches, that it will all be just wonderful and blessed if we only just wait. It is a very real problem, that can cause a lot of pain. That doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed, but almost a decade later we’re still waiting for our miracle.
And in the mean time though he does not see that I am trying, he does still loves and cherishes me
Alex, I totally agree with you! I’ve often said that what we should tell young people is that sex is a journey of discovery, and for most couples it takes a long time. But that journey is spiritual as well as physical, and it is worth it. The couples with the best sex lives are those who are married, but it still does take time.
At the same time, though, I’m really uncomfortable with your husband seeming to think that sex was better with someone else, or making you feel inferior. Perhaps you both could read this post, about getting over his sexual baggage? It sounds like what you’re dealing with is exactly that: his baggage, not your virginity. And perhaps if you could get past that, you could start working on this “voyage of discovery” together.